Last Post

Wow. I just read over every blog post I wrote. It's eye opening really, I've never actually taken the time to read them before. There are some I am proud of and others I look at and think "I can't believe I wrote that!". I can't say that I've evolved much as a writer. Reading over these several posts I've noticed grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and unbelievably stupid sentences, but little improvement. Then again I'm probably the worst person to judge my own writing. Its kind of like an adult asking a child to explain to them how they think they've matured from age eight to age ten. Sure, the child can tell you've they've grown taller and have grown out of all their old clothes, but I doubt they will talk about how they have matured emotionally or how their behavior is changed, even though the improvement is obvious to the adult. Like the child, it's difficult for me to determine how I've grown this year, especially as a writer.

But as I dug deep into the dark cave that is my blog, I did notice how my tone began to change over time. In the beginning, my writing sounded more reserved. I wrote long paragraphs and I answered the questions asked to the best of my ability, but my writing didn't sound like me. It was dry like toast. It was shy. In my very first blog post where I describe my "Boo Radley" I'm disappointed when I read it because I don't hear myself. I hear someone who was trying her best to impress her teacher. But the more I read the more I noticed aspects of my personality leaking in to my writing. I began to stop trying to impress people with high diction. I swore. Not only that but I also became more frank and sarcastic. I wasn't afraid to give my honest opinion. If I didn't like a book, I'd come right out and say it. This is very obvious in the blog I posted on April 2nd. We were supposed to write about our opinions on Great Expectations. I'm a little shocked at how much I revealed my disdain for the book. At one point I wrote, "... how do you expect me to care about, and much less like, a character who abandons all the people who care about him to pursue a frivolous superficial life and a cruel bitch." I'm a little shocked at myself actually. I swore more in that paragraph than in any other blog post I wrote. And in all honesty, I remember it felt very liberating to write that blog post.

I'm not really sure why my writing became like this. Did I just become more bitter as the school year progressed? Or was I already bitter and this was how I was able to express that deeply buried side of myself? Was I sick of writing blog posts and trying to make them as daring and opinionated as possible to keep myself interested? Was I mad at Mrs. Gilman? At someone else? Or am I just overreacting right now? Maybe this turn in my writing isn't a very big deal. It's probably not. I think what I should be determining right now is if this is a positive or negative change in my writing. On one hand it's a good thing. It shows that my ability to express myself has improved and that I'm less afraid of what other people think about my opinions. On the other hand writing this way, though effective, is not very tasteful and may offend some people. Should I be worried about this?

You know what? No. To hell with offending people. I should be glad that I'm more confident with my writing style. I should be glad that I've changed. As Gore Vidal (yes I know who Gore Vidal is) once said, "Style is about knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn."

I find it ironic that in my first post I express my desire to be more confident sharing my thoughts with others and now during my last post I'm celebrating that accomplishment. This makes me realize that this English class has given me something very precious. Though sometimes the workload of this class got me down and there were assignments that I wasn't excited about or even bitterly disliked, I now know that it's been worth it for what it's given me. I can only hope that I can apply this new found confidence to my final and come the discussion fully prepared and unafraid to kick ass.

Thank you Mrs. Gilman. This class has been very helpful to me and above all ...entertaining.